You Got To Let Me Love You

Do you ever have those 2Am  mornings  and you feel so restless?  You toss and turn just begging  the Lord to let you sleep but sometimes  those mornings  are so rewarding. As I laid awake restless the Lord brought me to a song by Misty Edwards called,"You Got To Let Me Love You". Talk about conviction !
I would  have never picture myself as Peter  where  he struggles to let Jesus  wash his feet but I listen to the song and thought  about the passage (John 13)
I realized  how much I was Peter.
Peter's pride really  creeped out vs 8 where he simply  tells Jesus he will never wash his feet.  He had a hard time receiving and Jesus had to remind him vs 8 that it was the only way he could  have part with Him.
He has to be willing  to receive love. How many of us can connect? People may argue it takes humility to serve and it does but it also takes humility to be served. It can especially  feel this way when you have to seek help .
It really takes letting go of pride when you have things to accomplish  but you need   a friend  to help you do it. Letting  go of an independent  spirit  is hard but it can be seen as a gift reminding you  need community. So with this I end with the song:

Oh But Wait

 A wise friend once told me to write my plans in pencil so that I could erase them. Boy was my friend ever so right!  The pages in my book look nothing like I would of planned. When it was towards the end of summer I thought the Lord may keep longer in New York but gradually He showed me this was not His will. This has been puzzling for me because I have been sitting here with an open heart since high school knowing my desire for missions.
I have been home for  7 months at least and the transitions have shown many many emotions. I have dreamed so much but am really learning that I need to loosen the grip on my pencil.  Especially when it feels so unclear waiting tables. Please don't take me for  belittling but if I were very honest I'm only there because that is where God put me.
He is teaching me to trust Him in the small things.  He is teaching me that though it seems so unclear to keep my head up in the fog. Do not let the pressure of next steps hold you down or the expectations of others.
Gulp! Easier said than done! I don't know your circumstances but perhaps your like me thinking where are we going. I want to see I want to see just like the child in the crowd who begs their father or mother to put them on their shoulders. It is hard trust me because I have asked questions trust me like:

Do you want me to go back to school?

Did I choose the right major?

Is Seminary a path?

And I know its not like star dust will just sweep across your eyes but  its very hard when your having to wait. You would even like to explain the emotions to other people but you can't. You know God is near but sometimes you grow tired of the wait. So in moments like that sometimes you need to just say Jesus I am tired!

Hi My Name is ( )

If we were  honest  as humans we have perfected wearing the mask. Some of us might feel as if it were a crime if our friends  knew our thoughts because  maybe we fear their friendship truly being there. I certainly  can identify! The past few months  my heart has been on the treadmill non stop trying to figure where do I connect  and do I connect. Will others judge me if they knew the messed up thoughts I had. So, I would like to say hi my name is April and I struggle  with anxiety but that doesn't  define me!
To even admit that for me takes courage. When I came home I thought  about all the ways I may get plugged  in but recently  God has been investigating my heart for some cleaning and healing. In fact when I looked back at my prayer  journals they all dealt with worry.
I am sure that seems puzzling  to some  that a girl who left familiar things to go to New York may have thus struggle  but the reality  is were broken. The funny part is I could write about it more then tell some of you face to face. However ,the Lord is rekindling  my spirit that it was  never about  me being perfect.
I also share this because  I want others to know like me there  is freedom in being broken. We just have to let our pride down to admit were powerless. Believe me I am working  on mine. I am also learning to own Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious for nothing but in everything with thanksgiving by prayer and supplication  make your request  known to God. And may the peace  of God  that surpasses all understanding guard your minds and  hearts in Christ Jesus. I am still learning  to own it but as a friend challenged me I challenge  you. We are not finished!  There is hope!