It's Ok To Ask

 As  a child growing up I remembering giving my heart to Jesus! It was so easy to trust Him with innocence but  as I became older the challenge of trust became harder. I don't doubt He loves me but there are some things I simply don't understand. Can you relate? I think many of us are afraid to say those words. I think we forget there is freedom and that nothing really shocks Him.

That is why there are  two articles I want to recommend for those us who need a little reminder its ok to not understand:

• It's Ok To Talk About The Parts Of Jesus We Don't Understand  Click Here
• How To Trust Jesus In A Unsafe World  Click Here

 I feel both of these articles hits home to what many of us are afraid to admit. For me the things I don't understand right now are:

•  Why Jesus placed me as a waitress?
•  Why people I love are going   through the circumstances with their health or situations that they are?
•  Why are the directions so unclear for what is next?
• Why a friend of mine has CML? Will there be healing? Will their family get  a break?
• Why does having a car seem so long?
• Why don't I feel 26? When will I feel like an adult?

I'm sure my list could go on but I'm sure we all have a list. In this world I think we forget how to have child like faith because this world is a tough place to live in. I'm not saying everything is bad because there is good! It's just sometimes you can begin to wonder why God allows certain events or bad things to happen.

I still believe it is for His glory but it doesn't erase the pain or emotions. I know my circumstances are minor but it doesn't mean I don't grow tired. Even the strong Christians have moments where they feel it takes extra strength to keep their eyes on the prize or extra strength to choose joy knowing God  has a good plan! I'm not trying to sound like the gripe queen but like I told a friend on the phone I just can't fake how I feel.

I know deep down inside Jesus can handle that! Some might say how can feel such things but  like I said the world is hard at times. No, I don' have all my answers to what God is doing but I press on. . Perhaps your like me and you just need to question. It doesn't make your faith any less. I think God allows us to question so that we can remember to keep looking forward.

I think He longs to have these talks with us even if its just the two of you on a walk expressing every emotion. At least that was my reminder today. He is definitely there when no one is and He will gladly walk with you and listen to your heart even if its just letting you walk it out.  It's ok for things to not feel pretty!  Here is a song I leave this song for us all because I think we need that reminder God still is in the mist!

Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Psalm 37:7

Out of My Weakness

Out of my weakness  you have  a plan. It really  isn't  my plan but like Jeremiah you promise to  not let anything  prevail  against  Him. In no way would I had any plans to be a waitress  but you did! Jermiahs  weakness was speaking. My weakness is:anxiety, the impatient  detective  and perfectionism. I see the mountain but you see more.
You had more than intellectual knowledge of Jeremiah. You had a personal  relationship  with him. It is the same with me! The plans you have for me were decided  beforehand and though  I do not see you tell me there is a plan.
You have called  me to have faith choosing  my best even when being a waitress  doesn't  add up. You do the impossible  and  my heart needs to remember! God there are so many like me! Pull us back  into you!

Verse 19 They will fight  against  you but they shall not prevail  against  you for I am  with you declare the Lord to deliver  you

Is It Friday Yet?

 Is it Friday yet? How many of us have said this line when it's only Monday? I have! Although, a recent thought that is just now clicking is that Friday is no different than any other day of the week. We have some how programmed our brains that it is. We can get so caught up that we forget to appreciate what was given to us for the day!

That has been something that's been pressing on my mind because I have been forgetting to see my blessings how the Lord has been faithful in what may seem like the crazy to me.He has reminded me today that though I'm not using my  Human Service degree or nor do I know the direction I am using it in a sense. . I choose this because I love to help people. I am doing that but maybe not in the way I imagined I would.

I'm getting to be an ear to a customer or maybe a smile. And when I slow down to intake that I am able to see clear that nothing is really in vain even though I'm not sure where or what God is doing. All, I know is He is faithful to me even when I'm not struggling to understand what is going on. He is the one holding me even when my mind is going 50 miles per an hour trying to figure out what is next or am trying to be the problem solver. So, today I just stop to breath in the blessings of:

• A Jones Soda
• Peach Cobbler
• A friend giving me a ride
• That I have air in my lungs

What is it that you need to stop and see?  We all need to be reminded there is joy among the unknown and our circumstances. Maybe you need to slow down to do the same!

You Got To Let Me Love You

Do you ever have those 2Am  mornings  and you feel so restless?  You toss and turn just begging  the Lord to let you sleep but sometimes  those mornings  are so rewarding. As I laid awake restless the Lord brought me to a song by Misty Edwards called,"You Got To Let Me Love You". Talk about conviction !
I would  have never picture myself as Peter  where  he struggles to let Jesus  wash his feet but I listen to the song and thought  about the passage (John 13)
I realized  how much I was Peter.
Peter's pride really  creeped out vs 8 where he simply  tells Jesus he will never wash his feet.  He had a hard time receiving and Jesus had to remind him vs 8 that it was the only way he could  have part with Him.
He has to be willing  to receive love. How many of us can connect? People may argue it takes humility to serve and it does but it also takes humility to be served. It can especially  feel this way when you have to seek help .
It really takes letting go of pride when you have things to accomplish  but you need   a friend  to help you do it. Letting  go of an independent  spirit  is hard but it can be seen as a gift reminding you  need community. So with this I end with the song:

Oh But Wait

 A wise friend once told me to write my plans in pencil so that I could erase them. Boy was my friend ever so right!  The pages in my book look nothing like I would of planned. When it was towards the end of summer I thought the Lord may keep longer in New York but gradually He showed me this was not His will. This has been puzzling for me because I have been sitting here with an open heart since high school knowing my desire for missions.
I have been home for  7 months at least and the transitions have shown many many emotions. I have dreamed so much but am really learning that I need to loosen the grip on my pencil.  Especially when it feels so unclear waiting tables. Please don't take me for  belittling but if I were very honest I'm only there because that is where God put me.
He is teaching me to trust Him in the small things.  He is teaching me that though it seems so unclear to keep my head up in the fog. Do not let the pressure of next steps hold you down or the expectations of others.
Gulp! Easier said than done! I don't know your circumstances but perhaps your like me thinking where are we going. I want to see I want to see just like the child in the crowd who begs their father or mother to put them on their shoulders. It is hard trust me because I have asked questions trust me like:

Do you want me to go back to school?

Did I choose the right major?

Is Seminary a path?

And I know its not like star dust will just sweep across your eyes but  its very hard when your having to wait. You would even like to explain the emotions to other people but you can't. You know God is near but sometimes you grow tired of the wait. So in moments like that sometimes you need to just say Jesus I am tired!

Hi My Name is ( )

If we were  honest  as humans we have perfected wearing the mask. Some of us might feel as if it were a crime if our friends  knew our thoughts because  maybe we fear their friendship truly being there. I certainly  can identify! The past few months  my heart has been on the treadmill non stop trying to figure where do I connect  and do I connect. Will others judge me if they knew the messed up thoughts I had. So, I would like to say hi my name is April and I struggle  with anxiety but that doesn't  define me!
To even admit that for me takes courage. When I came home I thought  about all the ways I may get plugged  in but recently  God has been investigating my heart for some cleaning and healing. In fact when I looked back at my prayer  journals they all dealt with worry.
I am sure that seems puzzling  to some  that a girl who left familiar things to go to New York may have thus struggle  but the reality  is were broken. The funny part is I could write about it more then tell some of you face to face. However ,the Lord is rekindling  my spirit that it was  never about  me being perfect.
I also share this because  I want others to know like me there  is freedom in being broken. We just have to let our pride down to admit were powerless. Believe me I am working  on mine. I am also learning to own Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious for nothing but in everything with thanksgiving by prayer and supplication  make your request  known to God. And may the peace  of God  that surpasses all understanding guard your minds and  hearts in Christ Jesus. I am still learning  to own it but as a friend challenged me I challenge  you. We are not finished!  There is hope!

What Do You Need To Be Present To?

 Sometimes I wonder if we truly enjoy life for what it is.  Especially when I think of a child because everything is so new and exciting to them. If you take a  baby for example handing them a pair of keys. They may not identify them as keys but they are just excited because its shiny or it makes noises. Some how I think we grow up forgetting the simple joys. To (BREATH) as one would put it! That was my reminder yesterday because  sometimes I tend to think of all the projects that need accomplished or maybe even getting futuristic of where I need to be in life.
Can you relate? However, God used yesterday to remind me there are times we just need to sit back to enjoy life! It could be as simple as going out to build a snowman, painting nails and making chocolate strawberries! Now, men give me a break! I know you don't go do all this haha! The point in all this is we were meant to enjoy life!
I think at times we get so busy that it is foreign to us to just enjoy life! This of course can be  a tough balance because we don't want to just throw the task that need to be done out the window but if we don't take time to enjoy life we miss the little blessings! We only have one life which means all things will fade.

Psalm 37:2

For like grass, they soon fade away. Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

We will always wish for a moment back to be at a certain place or meet with a person just for that cup of coffee. The choice is are we going to be present! So, my question to you is: What do you need to be present to?